Returns

We’re lucky to live in a place where we can return things if we change our minds. Clothes, food, kids…if it’s not working for you, just return it. Swap it out. Get your money back. Store credit. Options options options. America is about options. I got gas last night—$3.89 a gallon. A few blocks up it was only $3.49 a gallon. So I turned around. I keep a siphon handy for incidents like this. Or for when I need to borrow some gas from someone else. Kinda like jumper cables only you have to make sure no one is looking. “Excuse me sir, I need to return my gas.” I said. It didn’t go very well. Maybe he just didn’t understand me. It can be hard to hear me through my ski mask sometimes. But it was so cold out. The back of the squad car was warm though. They should really have signs up saying “No Exchanges-No Refunds” at these gas stations. After all, this is America.

I’m DIY

I like to do things myself. Fix the dishwasher, mow the lawn, polish off the liquor cabinet. It’s much more satisfying to do it yourself. The other day I decided to put a new air filter in my car. I could have paid a mechanic to do it but it’s more fun to try on your own then worry for a few days that your car may catch on fire on the freeway because you put it in upside down. Or spilled too much vodka on it.

Another good DIY project is cutting your own hair. Or better yet, your friends hair. I find that the best time is when they’re sleeping. That way they’re already very still so you don’t have to waste all your Xanax in their drinks. Plus they get to wake up with a nice surprise. It’s just like Christmas. So if they’re Jewish it’s even more exciting.

Anti-Sam

I never really understood Sam Adams drinkers. I think you guys are all big fakers. Big New England loving fakers. Have you tasted that stuff? Wooh. So not a party in my mouth. If I had a bouncer for my mouth-parties Sam Adams wouldn’t be on the list. And neither would olives. Those guys can go hang out together someplace else and talk Revolution and The Acropolis or whatever olives and Sam Adams would talk about. And it seems if you live in Boston you have to like Sam. If you don’t you should probably relocate. Or go into hiding. Just don’t tell Paul Revere where you’re hiding. He’ll tell everyone.