Just So You Know

Just so you know, aquariums should serve sushi. Because you’ll always know it’s really fresh. And who doesn’t love fresh sushi?

Let Us Give Thanks

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Well, favorite right after Judgment Day. And It’s Not You, It’s Me Day. And Quick Open Another Bottle and Pour Some More Day. I just love a good holiday no matter what we’re toasting. But Thanksgiving, now that’s nice. Who doesn’t love a holiday that’s centered around eating your weight in high-calorie foods while wearing Pilgrim hats and shooting at your neighbors with a bow and arrow in a feathered headdress? Anorexic people, that’s who. And turkeys. And maybe your neighbors. But those neighbors should be thankful because that’s what it’s all about. And there’s plenty for them to be thankful for. Like the fact that Aunt Esther is on house arrest this year and won’t pass out on their lawn again; that the karaoke is loud enough that they get free live entertainment every year; that their electric bill will be cut in half because our Christmas lights are so bright they won’t need to turn their lights on for all of December. And maybe, just maybe, that I never was a good shot after the Jameson ran dry, so they didn’t get hit with that arrow anyway—just grazed. I can’t wait for Secretary’s Day.